And Vanderbilt had a Secretary named Northwestern...

You know that old wives tale list of coincidences between Kennedy and Lincoln? Well, Vanderbilt sports and Northwestern sports are eerily similar. Good thing we have to play them every year for the next four years in football. (Every year for the next four years? Jesus.)

Northwestern: Ranked No. 12 by the US News and World Report.

Vanderbilt: Ranked No. 17 by the US News and World Report.

Conclusion: We're both smart! NERD FIGHT! What weapon would you use first in a nerd fight? Calculator? Heavy book? I'd smash a graduated cylinder against a table like a beer bottle and come at my opponent threateningly, hoping he shatters his ultra-thick glasses backing off.

Northwestern: The only private school in the Big Ten.

Vanderbilt: The only private school in the SEC.

Conclusion: We're not just nerds, but rich nerds. Crap.

Northwestern: Has only 8,000 students, 12,000 less than the next smallest school in the conference.

Vanderbilt: Has only 6,000 students, 13,000 less than the next smallest school in the conference.

Conclusion: Numbers! Scary!

Northwestern: Has a 49,000 seat stadium - the smallest in the conference - but still never sells it out.

Vanderbilt:  Has a 39,000 seat stadium - the smallest in the conference - but still never sells it out.

Conclusion: You see? Not that bad, Ryan Field.

Northwestern: Never won the Big Ten basketball title.

Vanderbilt: Never won the SEC football title.

Conclusion: We both really suck! I'd probably cut off a finger to be the one who was good at basketball and not the one who was occasionally good at football, though.

Northwestern: Currently mired in a 62-year-long bowl drought.

Vanderbilt: Ended a 53-year bowl drought after winning the 2008 Music City Bowl.

Conclusion: CRAP. I HATE THEM AND I HOPE BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO THEM.

Northwestern: If you ask somebody on the street in Chicago, they just might be a bigger fan of an orange-wearing state school than Northwestern.

Vanderbilt: If you ask somebody on the street in Nashville, they just might be a bigger fan of an orange-wearing state school than Northwestern.

Conclusion: Orange is a really ugly color.

Northwestern: The basketball coach at that orange-wearing state school is named Bruce.

Vanderbilt: The basketball coach at that orange-wearing state school is named Bruce.

Conclusion: I just threw this in even though it means absolutely nothing. You might find this fact intriguing if you just smoked up, but, why are you reading Northwestern sports blogs when you're high anyway?

So, I think I've made it pretty clear: THERE IS A CONSPIRACY THEORY AND THEY'RE OUT TO GET US. And we probably should play our creepily similar southern counterparts more often.