For us Northwestern students, finals week just ended, and we just want to relax and not think about taking difficult tests.
WELL GUESS WHAT, PUNKS: vacation's over. Northwestern plays three games in the next four games. Normally, that would be news for excitement. But, well, all three games are going to suck. Of the three, only one is on the Big Ten Network, and Northwestern doesn't have lower than an 88 percent chance at victory in any of them. To make up for basically having two weeks off, NU will cram in three should-be victories in three days. Earlier in the year, NU beat three much better teams in less time in the Charleston Classic, so, fatigue shouldn't be a concern. Anyway, if you think I'm doing elaborate preview posts for each game, you're out your damn mind.
Instead, I've devised a quick quiz on NU's next three opponents. IT'S A DIRECTIONAL SCHOOL PARTY IN THIS PIECE AND EVERYBODY'S INVITED. The answer to each multiple choice question will be either Texas Southern, Central Connecticut State, Eastern Illinois, or none of the above. Matching all four correctly is worth four points, matching two correctly and two incorrectly is worth two, one correctly and three incorrectly is worth one, and matching three correctly and one incorrectly is logically impossible and therefore worth a trillion points. Some of them are basic school facts, some are obscenely obscure basketball questions, and some fall somewhere in between.
Grade yourselves and report your answers in the poll. By the way, this quiz is impossible.
Reminder: each question will have one response for 1) Texas Southern 2) Central Connecticut State 3) Eastern Illinois and one which does not apply to any of the three.
1. Match the school to the nickname:
D. Blue Devils
2. Match the school to the conference
2. Ohio Valley
4. Missouri Valley
3. Match the school to its Kenpom ranking
4. Match the school to its won-loss record
5. Match the school to its marquee win thus far this season (per kenpom rankings)
1. Stony Brook, 72-69
2. Sacred Heart, 82-80 (OT)
3. Eastern MIchigan, 66-49
4. Fordham 64-50
6. Match the school to its most embarrassing loss (per my opinion of what makes a loss embarrassing)
1. Wisconsin-Milwaukee, 73-38
2. Brown, 90-80
3. Iona, 98-62
4. Central Arkansas 107-96 (2OT)
7. Match the school to its geographic location (state withheld for easiness purposes)
4. New Britain
8. Match the school to its prominent NFL-related alumnus. (all answers played football at an FCS school.)
1. Tony Romo
2. Mike Sherman
3. Michael Strahan
4. John Skelton
9. Match the school to the NBA player who played the most career games.
1. Keith Closs
2. Kevin Duckworth
3. Woody Sauldsberry
4. Speedy Claxton
10. Match the school to its head basketball coach. (All answers are sub-mid-major head basketball coaches.)
1. Tony Harvey
2. Mike Miller
3. Tony Jasick
4. Howie Dickenman
11. Match the school to its top scorer. (all answers are top scorers at Division-I schools.)
1. Charles Hinkle (22.2 ppg)
2. Jeremy Granger (17.1 ppg)
3. Ken Horton (23.3 ppg)
4. Omar Strong (13.0 ppg)
12. Match the school to its number of NCAA Tournament trips.
2. Four (most recently in 2003)
3. Three (most recently in 2007)
4. Two (Most recently in 2001)
13. Match the school to its best name:
14. What is the team's win probability according to Kenpom?
15. BONUS QUESTION (worth four points) Do you honestly intend on watching all three of these games?
1. Yes (four points)
2. No (zero points)
The answer sheet is down below. To prevent excessive cheating, I am posting the lyrics video to the song "E.T." by Katy Perry (featuring Kanye West), which will most likely prevent people from going back and forth because they'll listen to it every time.
1. The Texas Southern Tigers, the Central Connecticut State Blue Devils, and the Eastern Illinois Panthers. The Hornets are a team name for Alabama State and Delaware State, as well as Charlotte, you know, in the past.
2. Texas Southern is in the SWAC, CCSU is in the NEC - Northeast Conference - and Eastern Illinois is in the OVC. I threw in the Missouri Valley Conference because I know that nobody can tell the difference.
3. CCSU is ranked No. 172, EIU is ranked No. 254, and Texas Southern is ranked No. 319. Mississippi Valley State, against whom NU scored 20 three-pointers, is ranked No. 289.
4. EIU is 6-3, CCSU is 5-4, Texas Southern is 1-6, and I just threw in 3-6 because it seemed to mix things up.
5. EIU beat previous Northwestern opponent Stony Brook 72-69, Central Connecticut State knocked off Sacred Heart in overtime, and Texas Southern's best - i.e. only - win was the one over Eastern Michigan. The victory over Fordham is one of Loyola-Chicago's two wins this season.
6. Texas Southern nearly got doubled up by UW-Milwaukee, presumably much to the delight of site hero guy in a Wisconsin-Milwaukee sweatshirt, Central Connecticut State's most recent game was the ten-point loss to Brown, and EIU fell to Central Arkansas, one of the country's worst teams, in double overtime. The loss to Iona was by CCSU opponent NIagara.
7. EIU is in Charleston, Ill., Texas Southern is in HOUSTON TEXAS HOME OF THE MEINEKE CAR CARE BOWL OF TEXAS GET EXCITED, and CCSU is in New Britain, Conn., home of the Double-A New Britain Rock Cats. Denton, Texas is the home of the North Texas Mean Green.
8. Tony Romo went to EIU, Mike Sherman, who most recently got fired from his gig at Texas A&M, went to CCSU, and Michael Strahan went to Texas Southern. John Skelton, the Cardinals' current QB, went to Fordham.
9. Keith Closs, the greatest 7-foot-3 player in Clippers' history, went to CCSU, Kevin Duckworth went to EIU, and 1960's baller Woody Sauldsberry went to Texas Southern. Speedy Claxton, as you all probably know, went to Hofstra.
10. Tony Harvey coaches Texas Southern, Mike Miller - no, not the NBA player - coaches EIU, and Howie Dickenman coaches CCSU. Tony Jasick proudly coaches the IPFW Mastodons.
11. Jeremy Granger, from Elgin, is EIU's leading scorer, Ken Horton is the No. 3 scorer in the nation and plays for CCSU, while Omar Strong is the go-to-guy for Texas Southern. Hinkle plays for American.
12. Texas Southern has been four times, CCSU three, EIU twice. This was a trick question, Northwestern is the school that has never been.
13. Madarious Gibbs is a reserve guard for Texas Southern, Adonis Burbage is a starting forward for CCSU, and like the uncommonly named Osiris Eldridge before him, he sports No. 0, and the somewhat bland Zavier Sanders is the best name for a pretty boring EIU squad. Branimir Mikulic is a Euro big man who plays for High Point.
14. Texas Southern has a three percent chance of victory, EIU six, CCSU 12.
Tally up your scores and tell us how you did.
How did you score on the quiz?
Zero. I am surprised I am intelligent enough to click a button on this poll. (1 vote)
1-5. I once saw a blimp. (1 vote)
6-10. The greatest compliment I have ever received is "bearable". (0 votes)
11-15. My sexual partners are frequently extremely unsatisfied. (2 votes)
16-20. I enjoy the humor on "Two and a Half Men". (0 votes)
21-25. I am often picked fourth instead of fifth in pickup basketball games. (4 votes)
26-30. I'm modestly handsome. (3 votes)
31-35. I routinely achieve streaks of over five in "Streak for the Cash". (4 votes)
36-40. I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom. (3 votes)
41-45. I kick the crap out of my friends at Jeopardy. (3 votes)
46-50. I started my undergrad at Texas Southern, transferred to Eastern Illinois, then got a masters at Central Connecticut State. (1 vote)
51-55. A genie granted me three wishes, and I asked to do modestly well on a meaningless quiz about obscure college basketball teams on a Northwestern blog. My second wish was for a gun to shoot myself after such a crappy first wish. (0 votes)
56-59. My college major was "guessing" (0 votes)
60. I cheated. (2 votes)
24 total votes