All things must pass. All tournaments need a winner. Sure, you all did great, but I don't give out trophies for participation, and we've knocked off a lot of worthy competitors in the prelims. And now it's time to find out which player Northwestern played against has the best name.
You know the drill. Explanations of greatness are after the jump. You know my pick.
We have the final five. Last year's final round only mustered 48 votes. This year, let's do it big.
May the best name win.
Week Five, Minnesota Name of the Week, No. 29, Shady Salamon, S
At the time: This is a ridiculously good name, and it's not even my pick for the week. (that was Jewhan Edwards.) First off, the guys first name is "Shady". Shady. That's his government name, as far as I can tell. Shady, like, when there's, like, trees over you, or when you're skeezy and people don't trust you. And Salamon sounds like Solomon, which is a first name old timey people had. Therefore, when you combine "Shady" and "Salamon", you get a name that sounds like it belongs to, like, a Mormon drug dealer or a wild west brothel owner. And that's awesome.
In retrospect: Can't believe I didn't mention Em's "I'M SHADYYYYYYYY". This wasn't really close. Shady has a fantastic name, and earned 75 of 131 votes to run away with the W. I guess a bunch of you are clients at his wild west brothel and he's blackmailing you to vote for him. Reminder: mention Mormons more. Salamon garnered eight votes in the preliminary round to make it in with a tie for fourth.
On the field: Shady played a lot of special teams, but didn't record any stats. He was Big Ten All-Academic, though, so, congrats.
Week 10, Iowa Name of the Week, No. 7, Marvin McNutt, WR
At the time: Heh. McNutt.
In retrospect: The people love McNutt. Marvin busted the widest margin of victory in poll history, earning 106 of 168 votes, and I can't blame you. McNutt is worthy. Like Salamon, McNutt got eight votes to take the last spot in this final poll.
On the field: Y'all know McNutt, who led the Hawkeyes in receptions and yards.
Week Nine, Penn State Name of the Week, No. 34, Christian Kuntz, WR
At the time: Look, people, this is a family site. I don't put words that will startle the children in most of my posts, unless I'm quoting someone. So I'm not going to go into the precise details of why someone's last name being Kuntz is tremendously unfortunate for that human being. But I think you all understand why.
Now, think about how humorous it is to have a name like Kuntz. Think about how much more humorous it is that Kuntz's first name denotes the Christianity of said Kuntz. Ahh yes, Christian Kuntz. The most pious Kuntz in all the land. (mark this post down under "posts that will probably come back to haunt me some day later.") Anyway, we're talking about multiple Kuntz, and talking about how much they revere Jesus. This is what your name is. I mean, it's a step up from Rusty, but it's a baby step.
In retrospect: Kuntz deserved his second straight Penn State honoree, and, quite frankly, could be a four-time- or maybe five-time - winner by the time he graduates. He actually was pretty close in fending off Tariq Tongue - of the Tongue-Kuntz WR tandem - winning 48-34.The allure of pious genitalia is that strong. Kuntz took 15 votes - surprising, since a lot of you are eight year olds - to make it in.
On the field: Kuntz has always suffered from knee problems, and didn't see the field in 2010.
Week One, Vanderbilt Name of the Week: No. 70 Justin Cabbagestalk, C
At the time: "I'm genuinely surprised that "Cabbagestalk" is a real last name for a person and not like a troll or something. First of all, cabbages have stalks? Aren't they just like lettuce? Don't they just kinda grow out of the ground and just be there? Do cabbages really have stalks? Can you climb up them and reach a magical land inhabited by huge giants? The world will never know. Actually, I'm pretty sure many farmers do know, but I for one don't care. Anyway, Cabbagestalk is a pretty sweet compound word to have as your name, unless you don't like when bloggers mention that your name that sounds like a mythical, magical woodland creature from a Harry Potter book. If only his first name was something else magical, like (his opponent at the time, Vandy WR Udom Udoh). Udom Cabbagestalk would be a winner."
In retrospect: Vandy had a weak name stalk... errr... stock, so, hobbit or not, Cabbagestalk didn't have much trouble ousting Adam Smotherman 50-38. Cabbages, it turns out, per the Wikipedia, do have stalks. I really didn't expect Cabbagestalk to get so much love, but he made it into the finals with 20 votes in prelims.
On the field: Sadly, Cabbagestalk suffered a serious career-ending injury that prevented him from ever seeing the field in a Vandy uniform. No jokes, folks.
Bowl Week, Texas Tech Name of the Week, No. 36, Nubian Peak, CB
At the time: This is one of the best names I've ever come across, in my opinion. Nubia, of course, is the region along the Nile river in Northern Sudan that used to trade with Egypt and whatnot in ancient times. A person from Nubia is a Nubian. The region is best known it is best known for 1980's hip-hop group Brand Nubian, who were not from Nubia. (The region is also best known because the area was known to the Greeks by the name "Kush", which is now something people call certain types of weed.) Nubian Peak's name, amazingly, therefore, refers to a mountain in Africa. Most likely, his name could be interpreted as referring to a mountain in the Nuba range in Central Sudan. It could also refer to a fat, tall, African dude. Sadly, Nubian himself is 5-foot-11 and from Virginia, so, he himself is not a Nubian Peak, you know, even though, like, HIS NAME IS NUBIAN PEAK.
In retrospect: Pardon me, but, this is the pinnacle, or, as some might say, the peak, of all names, let alone Nubian ones. Pure awesome. Although I still have a soft spot for Texas Tech's Cqulin Hubert - CAH-QUELIN! -Nubian deserved the W. He also got a grand total of 22 votes to beat everybody out in the prelims - I hope he brings home the ship.
On the field: Nubian transfered from Virginia Tech and still has yet to play for the Red Raiders, as he has some academic issues.
THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE.
Shady Salamon (13 votes)
Marvin McNutt (10 votes)
Justin Cabbagestalk (20 votes)
Christian Kuntz (32 votes)
Nubian Peak (27 votes)
102 total votes