WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO YOU? WHY HAVE YOUR FORSAKEN US?
the people wanted purple court. the people were not given purple court.
WHY HAVE YOU DANGLED PURPLE COURT IN FRONT OF US, LIKE SO MANY TWINKIES ON TREADMILLS? To rile us up? To make it appear as if there are hoards of us with nothing better to care about than a basketball court's coloration?
Well, guess what: we don't.
Other schools have things to care about besides basketball court colorations. When Kansas State and Washington look out on their basketball courts and see that they aren't bright purple, they don't revolt. They say, "ahh, shucks, our court isn't purple!", then kiss their wives and kids goodnight and go to sleep on a big friggin pile of NCAA Tournament appearances. You know what them things feel like to sleep on? A waterbed. Flannel sheets in the winter. Fresh silk ones in the summer, literally, fresh, like there's an ancient Chinese dude with some silkworms standing right next to you as you sleep weaving his ass off. That's what it feels like.
BUT WE AIN'T GOT THAT. All we got is a pulse, a cardboard box, and a desire to see our team play on a purple court, and I don't plan on giving any of them up, least of all the cardboard box.
So let me say this: THIS ISN'T OVER.
This is a revolution, and revolutions don't die. You can kill revolutionaries, but you can't kill ideas.
Sophomore year I took a course called "Intro to the New Testament". A bunch of football players were in my discussion section, and they insisted on giving each other backrubs in class and I could never tell whether or not they were serious. One thing we read struck me, the point of which was: a bunch of dudes in ancient Judea were in a cult formed by this dude, the point of which was that the main dude was the Messiah. About 12 of them. Somewhere along the line, the guy died, and nothing particularly Messianic happened. They were still there, being ruled by Romans, and if you tried to make a lion lay down with a lamb, he'd eat that sucker without even taking the time to make it into a gyro and add tzatziki sauce. If I was in a cult, and my leader died, I'd be all like "yo, time to find a new cult!" But these guys didn't. They believed the main dude would come back to life, and that he was guaranteed do it in their lifetimes. They all died. If I was a dude who had been recruited by someone who had told me that their friend was the Messiah, and then that guy died, I'd be like "yo, time to find a new religion!" But rather than disband the religion, early Christian communities began making rules on how to bide time until the imminent return of Christ, which would happen in the lifetimes of people who were alive when people who knew Christ were still alive. Two thousand years later, those initial 12 have given rise to several billion. It's not a unique phenomenon: hundreds of small religious groups have predicted drastic events/apocalypses/judgement days, and none have come, but when faced with the incorrect nature of their earlier claims, they don't disappear, they almost always regroup and grow stronger. The dude who predicted the world's end in 1994 didn't disappear after it didn't happen, he gained supporters and predicted it would happen again in May. It didn't happen. Now it's on for October. Human beings will go to great lengths to avoid disillusionment, the feeling that everything that you believe in isn't true, and the tendency of religions to push on past their initial miscalculations and continue belief.
Our moment of purple revelation has passed, and our wishes did not come true.
But la revoluciòn morada lives on.
Was purple court truly about a purple basketball court?
No. Purple court is a lifestyle.
It's about knowing how ugly being a Northwestern fan is and embracing it. Being a fan of a team that has no records but those of historic failure is trying, but we don't buck, we don't break, we don't complain. We don't ask to be Ohio State. We don't want to be Ohio State. We know we'd be happier as Ohio State, much like we know we'd be happier with a normal basketball court rather than a team playing 40 minutes on a Grimace-skin rug. But we bear it and we fly our flag high.
Okay! That's the end of the post! You can stop reading now, Northwestern authority figures/Evanston policemen.
OKAY, now that that sappy BS is done, LET'S GET REAL.
Clothes: all purple. You will be given purple balaclavas YEAH THEY MAKE PURPLE BALACLAVAS purple under armour purple t-shirts purple socks no shoes and just paint your jeans purple aight? We have a lot of purple paint. Laundry will be done Tuesdays between oh four hundred hours and oh six hundred hours to reduce suspicion. Do not use pay laundries because quite frankly we don't have enough quarters.
If someone catches you and inquires, use your tactical mace. When the assailant is down, handcuffs, duct tape, car trunk, and bring them to the brainwashing facility. We'll be using the back of Hanan's Finer Foods until further notice. Don't be too violent with your hostages because they will be your new revolutionaries.
VIOLET SQUAD: First off, apologies about the names - virtually all shades of purple are also flowers so, like, I wanted to stick with the theme but you all kind of sound really weak. Anyway, A squad, you're our street painting unit. Bobb courts, Plex courts, and that weird three-hooped circle court west of Ridge: purple. When not painting courts, you're going to want to tag around town - write stuff like PURPLE COURT OR DIE and put mad skulls and crossbones on there.
LILAC SQUAD: You have two tactical goals: 1. Eggplants, all day, every day, splattered on every major building in Evanston. 2. Willie's head in Jim Phillips' bed.
MULBERRY SQUAD: You guys are Welsh-Ryan painting squad A. Practice runs will be done in Patten, you'll need to be in and out within 25 minutes before the cops come. The deal with Welch's is still on - they're paying for most of our weaponry - so this is our design. The silencers on your pistols are VERY MAKESHIFT so only use sparingly - you'll want to spend most of your time painting anyway.
PANSY SQUAD: Okay, you guys - shut up, that's the name of the group and I'm sticking to it. YES. PANSIES ARE PURPLE. Look, if this is going to be an issue I'll change it. Name one intimidating purple thing and I'll change it.
THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS: No, that's actually less intimidating.
WALUIGI SQUAD: What games is Waluigi even in? Super Strikers? How long did it take you guys to come up with this? Anyway, you guys are security. I'm pretty sure Welsh-Ryan is completely unlocked 24/7, but it's not cool if you just walk in so the paramilitary division of Welch's has provided us with C4. You will then escort Mulberry squad to the floor and supervise painting activities before fighting your way out. Take no prisoners. I see a hand over there? No, don't worry about the quality of your silencers, you guys all have AK's so screw being secretive.
PANSY SQUAD: Okay, you guys are on the espiona- NO, SHUT UP, YOU DON'T GET TO CHANGE YOUR NAME. Yes, the other group got to change their name, that's because they're on security and are supposed to be intimidating so they couldn't have that name. That's why they get all the cool weapons. No, you can't have any cool weapons. Stop complaining. SHUT UP. SHUT UP ALL OF YOU. (bangs gavel) SHUT UP. Okay, screw it. Who in Waluigi squad did I give the bazooka to? Anyway, OPEN FIRE. THAT'S A DIRECT ORDER.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO COMPLAIN. THIS IS A REVOLUTION AND THERE'S NO DISSENT IN A REVOLUTION.
This is not a game. This is LIFE AND DEATH.
Best of luck, men. Some of us may not live to see NU's matchup against Stony Brook. But for those of us that survive to see that purple floor... it will all be worth it.
the streets will run purple.
viva la revoluciòn morada.