I'm Not A Degenerate, I Just Gamble A Lot: Week 4

I'm Not A Degenerate, I Just Gamble A Lot is Sippin' On Purple's weekly discussion of college football point spreads, and by college football, we mean Big Ten games plus other national games of interest. All suggested wagers are for entertainment purposes only. All lines courtesy of 5Dimes.com, all times are central time.

Season Profit (including the vig): 37.45 Lundys

Last week, I spend the introduction of this column talking about how great I was, and it appears the vengeful gods have struck me down for such hubris. This line in particular:

19 more Lundys last week after an excellent Week 1. That's good for a 47% return on investment, Ponzi scheme territory.

has come back to bite me on the ass, as the Feds confirmed that Full Tilt Poker was "not a legitimate poker company, but a global Ponzi scheme." Since this is a college football column, I won't bore you with all the details, but suffice it to say I had thousands of dollars on that site and I am less than thrilled with this development. Connect with me on Twitter for more details; I am now trying to mobilize the Twitterverse into a lynch mob. You bring the torches, I'll bring the pitchforks, meet me at Howard Lederer's house.

So my only option now is to win back all those Lundys by betting college football, because while I may have gotten royally screwed by Full Tilt, I still won you the reader another 9 Lundys last week. By season's end, I will probably have won all the Lundys and put the Vegas books into the red, but for this week, we'll be taking it easy. First off, it's a terrible slate of Big Ten games, and secondly, I barely watched any college football last weekend as I was busy ballin' outta control in South Jamesport, New York. The only game I saw live was the second half of Oklahoma-Florida State, and that was at a bar under the influence of god knows what while fending off married cougars and their husbands who were much bigger than me. Ease back into the saddle this week, make a killing when Big Ten play starts next week. 

Saturday

San Diego St. Aztecs at #22 Michigan Wolverines (-10.5), 11 AM, BTN

For the third straight year, Michigan has gotten off to a good start that's featured a dramatic victory over Notre Dame and wins over some non-conference cupcakes and sneaked into the top 25. And the last two years, its quickly become clear that Michigan was not a top 25 team. Expect the same thing to happen this year. Aztecs keep it close here against their former coach Brady Hoke; just ask Randy Walker how it goes when you play your former employer in Year 1 as a Big Ten coach.

Bet Size: 2 Lundys

Central Michigan Chippewas at Michigan St. Spartans (-21.5), 11 AM, ESPNU

As you can tell by the line, Central Michigan is terrible. This has been true since Dan LeFevour graduated two years ago. Spartans should bounce back after losing to Notre Dame last week, plus they're looking for revenge from when LeFevour led the Chips to victory in East Lansing two years ago. Sparty in a rout.

Bet Size: 1 Lundy

Eastern Michigan Eagles at Penn St. Nittany Lions (-28.5), 11 AM, ESPN2

ESPN2 chose this dumpster fire game over the potentially close Michigan game? Odd.

Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks at Iowa Hawkeyes (-17), 11 AM, BTN

It's too bad Paul Wolfowitz didn't go to Louisiana-Monroe, then they could change their name to the Chickenhawks.

Rimshot_medium

I have no clue what will happen in this game, but when in doubt, bet against Iowa.

Bet Size: 1 Lundy

Notre Dame Fighting Irish at Pittsburgh Panthers (+7), 11 AM, ABC

Notre Dame continues to be hugely underrated by the general public, but Vegas still knows what's up. No free lunches, friends, no free lunches. Still, Notre Dame is eventually going to stop turning the ball over like crazy, at which time they will start blowing out teams like Pitt. I'm betting it happens this week.

Bet Size: 2 Lundys

UMass Minutemen at Boston College Eagles (-11), Noon, ESPN3.com

Boston College could be playing Wellesley College and don't think I'd lay 11 points, let alone against the Minutemen who have kept the final margin within 7 against Kansas State and Michigan the last two years.

Bet Size: 3 Lundys

#14 Arkansas Razorbacks at #3 Alabama Crimson Tide (-11), 2:30 PM, CBS

Alabama is scary good, and Arkansas doesn't have Ryan Mallet anymore. Roll Tide.

Bet Size: 1 Lundy

South Dakota Coyotes at #6 Wisconsin Badgers (-50.5). 2:30 PM, BTN

Alright, Bielema, I've bet on you multiple times this season assuming you would run up the score like the butthole you are, and you've screwed me over every time. So I will not be suckered in again, and regardless I am not betting on anyone to cover a 50 point spread on general principle. Go Coyotes.

Bet Size: 2 Lundys

#7 Oklahoma St. Cowboys at #8 Texas A&M Aggies (-4.5), 2:30 PM, ABC/ESPN2

Read the fake Dan Beebe Twitter rant. Now.

Done? Cool. This should be a great game, but I know I will be extremely annoyed by the Aggies' all-male cheerleaders, so bet on the Pokes.

Bet Size: 1 Lundy

Western Michigan Broncos at #24 Illinois Fighting Illini (-13.5), 2:30 PM, BTN

Classic trap game for the Illini as they look ahead to their ARCH RIVAL Northwest---....who am I kidding, Illini in a rout.

Bet Size: 1 Lundy

Colorado Buffaloes at Ohio St. Buckeyes (-16.5), 2:30 PM, ABC/ESPN2

How bad do you have to suck to be 16.5 point dogs against a team that went 4 for 18 for 35 yards passing last week? I guess as Jack White says, they look a woman and cut like a buffalo. And yes, that's my second Dead Weather Youtube link in two weeks. Betting against tOSU here on principle.

Bet Size: 1 Lundy

North Dakota St. Bison at Minnesota Golden Gophers (-6.5), 6 PM, BTN

The Gophers aren't even a touchdown favorite at home vs. an FCS team? Shit Goldy, get it together.

Indiana Hoosiers at North Texas Mean Green (+6), 6 PM, ESPN3.com

Good Lord, Indiana. North Texas is 0-3, and here are their FBS rankings in passing, rushing, points for, and points against: 102nd, 101st, 112th, 116th. And you're only favored by 6? Man, the Big Ten is awful.

#9 Nebraska Cornhuskers at Wyoming Cowboys (+21), 6:30 PM, Versus

I keep forgetting to add Nebraska games to these posts. I'm also confused as to how Wyoming is getting college football blue-bloods to play at their stadium: Texas played there a couple years ago.

#2 LSU Tigers at #16 West Virginia Mountaineers (+5.5), 7 PM, ABC

Two big thumbs up for whoever scheduled this series between two of the most insanely awesome fan bases in college football. And after the Les Miles luckbox guides the Tigers to victory, it's gonna get ugly on the streets of Morgantown. Sublime might have to edit their lyrics:

ITS ABOUT COMIN' UP

AND STAYIN' ON TOP

AND SCREAMING ONE-EIGHT-SEVEN ON A MOTHERFUCKIN' COUCH

Bet Size: 3 Lundys

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