Late late start on the name action, sorry about that.
Congrats to Chad Littlejohn for bringing home the title against Army. Some of you were outraged at me for not including Trent Steelman, and you were probably right. But it's my blog and I make the rules, if you don't love it leave it, USA Number One.
That said, Illinois is a bonkers names team. To accomodate that, I'm making an executive decision with regards to Whitney Mercilus, 2010 Name of the Year winner. He has no mercy, but he does have a Name of the Year title belt, and as such, I'm retiring his name and taking it out of the running. It will hang in the Sippin' on Purple rafters - err, the sidebar - alongside Christian Kuntz. Their sacrifices and hard work to have silly names that make me giggle will not be forgotten. We, the name-appreciaters, salute you.
THEY STILL GOT NAMES THO. This week's honorable mentions include safety Supo Sanni - safety Supo Sanni sells sea shells by the sea shore safety Supo Sanni sells Sally's sea shells by the sea shore - linebacker Brandon "Something is Rotten in the State of " Denmark, Chris Berman's most literary nickname, seniors Tavon Wilson and Trulon Henry, quarterback Sean McGushin, a 21-year old from Hawai'i and an organ donor, linebacker Ashante Williams who did a lot of songs with Ja Rule back when Ja Rule was a thing, cornerback Valdon Wilson, whose name sounds like an oil company, cornerback Kaeman Mitchell who could get same-sex married to Chris Kaman, linebacker Nejee Robinson - Nejee! - wide receiver Jordan Frysinger - which could be a dude singing about fries or this.
The real names are after the jump.
No. 14, Miami Thomas: He shoulda gone to the U. If you're gonna pick a city to be named after, this isn't a bad one. My firstborn will be New York Sherman and he won't have friends. My only hope is that while doing activities with people of the opposite gender, he sings them and/or plays the song "Welcome to Miami" by Will Smith. Enjoy that mental image.
Miami is a senior cornerback who played heavily his freshman year, earning his only career start against Northwestern, but has been hampered by injuries. He played in only one game last year and hasn't seen the field this year.
No. 15, Zepheniah Grimes: YES PEOPLE NAMED AFTER OBSCURE BIBLICAL CHARACTERS YES YES YES. Zepheniah was a minor prophet who wrote a book in the "minor prophets" part of that there Old Testament. It's pretty unimportant. Which is why you should name your kids after him so that they sound like Amish. Grimes is a pretty good last name, too. Woulda named my kid Busta though.
Zeph is a freshman linebacker who hasn't played yet.
No. 20, Fritz Rock: I can't top what I wrote last year, so here it is again: Never fight a man named Fritz Rock. He is the strongest person on the earth, a descendant of David Hasselhoff, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Attilla the Hun. His muscles have their own muscles. He will kill you and make you listen to Rammstein and the song "Rock You Like a Hurricane" by German band Scorpions while you are dead. Then he will kill you again.
Fritz is a redshirt freshman who switched from defensive back to wide receiver in spring ball. He saw his first career playing time against South Dakota State but didn't record any stats.
No. 96, Wisdom Onyegbule: Despite the last name "Onyegbule" - try pronouncing it, but you can't, you aren't wise enough - Wisdom is an old Chinese man with a fu manchu longer than his body. If Ron Zook asked, he would tell him the perfect play for every situation because he is so friggin smart and understanding situations and being rational. Ron Zook has never asked him.
Wiz is a walkon senior defensive lineman who plays sparingly. He has one assisted tackle on the year.
No. 90, DeJazz Woods: Yeah.
DeJazz is a redshirt freshman defensive lineman who has yet to play for Illinois.
NAME OF THE WEEK???!?!?!?! VOTE OR DIE
Miami Thomas (5 votes)
Zepheniah Grimes (15 votes)
Fritz Rock (36 votes)
Wisdom Onyegbule (15 votes)
DeJazz Woods (24 votes)
95 total votes