It's the offseason, so we can't all talk about Northwestern sports. As a blogger, I know that my job is to talk about what the people want, and right now, that's one thing: Horizon League women's track and field. You all care about this immensely and therefore, I will give in and talk about it.
To be honest, this isn't even fun to write about. It's pretty clear that Loyola's Jenn Bane will win every single competition. "F*ck yeah," Bane didn't actually say, but I pretended she would have had she been asked.. "None of those other pussies stand a chance."
Bane's non-stop dominance has drawn questioning from around the league. It seems unnatural that Bane could achieve such unbelievably great times without the use of performance enhancing drugs. When SoP asked about her times, Bane responded by urging us to check her urine, quipping "the only thing wrong with my piss is that it's better than yours." Bane has also undergone suspicion with regards to her gender, much like South African middle distance runner Caster Semenya. Bane's boyfriend would neither confirm nor deny whether or not Bane was in fact female.
If Jenn Bane doesn't win every single event, the likely competition will come from Youngstown State. However, Bane seemed unconcerned. "Why would I be scared of losing to penguins?" Bane said. "This isn't a swim meet." However, Bane did not rule out the possibility that the Valparaiso Crusaders would convert her to a more devout line of Christianity or that the UIC Flames would cause her to spontaneously catch on fire. "The flames," Bane said. "That's what I worry about. " Bane was worried, however, about her tendency to ramble: she admitted she was not sure what to do if she randomly lost her sense of direction and just began walking around the track.
The only issue for Bane is her overwhelming level of dangerousness. When asked, Bane did not respond, but I'm sure if she had, she would have said she was "too dangerous" and cackled maniacally.
Hope you all enjoy the races - they're not on TV, so the only way to see them is to get up at 8 a.m. on a Sunday morning and be convinced by a runner's boyfriend to drink heavily.