America Needs Rigid Airships
Over the next few weeks, I plan on doing Q-and-A's with opposing bloggers about Northwestern's football season. The only problem is that the questions I ask are generally different from those normal people ask, and then one question about football.
Last year, Northwestern finally lost to Iowa in football, after, by my count, 15 consecutive victories. Is the hex of the Wizgerald dead?
I wish it was that easy. A sorcerer as malevolent and powerful as the Wizgerald is not going to be defeated weapons so prosaic as a 98-yard pick six by Tanner "Not Yet Mother-Bleepin'" Miller and a pair of touchdowns from both Marcus Coker and James Vandenberg. Iowa has not truly found his weakness yet, but all great supernatural monsters* have an Achilles' heel -- silver bullets, holy water, crosses, hobbitses, etc. -- and I have faith that Iowa will find his kryptonite. Or maybe I'm just hoping Fitzy will be too busy with Timmy Beckman and his big new rivals at Illinois. They have won two games in a row over Northwestern, after all. Go, Fitzy, go! Unleash your wrath on that double-talking windbag!
* Except AIRBHG.
James Vandenberg's Wikipedia page says he is nicknamed: "The Mandenberg". This has to be someone at BHGP's fault, right? Are Iowa fans concerned about the airborne success of objects nicknamed "The __ndenberg"?
I can neither confirm nor deny that one of the BHGP faithful engaged in a little bit of Wikipedia chicanery there. (I know it wasn't a member of the BHGP braintrust, since we're too busy SPENDING MAD BLOGBUCKS ON ADVERTISING, YO
.) Unless his nickname really is "The Mandenberg," in which case... /mind asplode.
Much like the Hindenberg and other famous zeppelins throughout history, Vandenberg works best close to home and when he can avoid open flames and Nazis.
NU fans taunted Iowa by calling them "Io_a" after a few years of not winning, because you can't spell Iowa without a W, amirite. Tell me, please, dear lord, tell me you have a better zing than "North_estern", because that just makes you sound like the guy on South Park who calls it the "Plane-erium."
Why mess with the classics? You're just Northwestern.
(Ed. note: Walked right into this one.)
Not to delve too deeply into your personal life, but are any rooms of your house decorated in a specific color to stimulate certain mentalities?
I was told that what happens in the sex dungeon stays in the sex dungeon... I do have a room painted in a cool, light brown shade of khaki, which I find invaluable for putting me in the bland, milquetoast mindset of an Iowa football coach.
THE ONE QUESTION ABOUT FOOTBALL: How do you feel about a Northwestern-Iowa matchup this year? Who ya got?
Iowa hasn't won in Evanston since 2007 but thanks to the oddities of the Delanybot 9000's Big Ten scheduling algorithms, all that really means is that they've lost one game there since then (in 2010, a game I attended and am still scarred by). (Ed. note: So is Dan Persa
. Literally, tho
.) Of course, prior to last year Iowa hadn't beaten Northwestern in Iowa City
since 2002, so... hooray for stats of meaningless consequence!
Look, by all rights I should pick Northwestern to win this game. Northwestern gives Iowa absolute fits and has for a decade now. On top of that general bad juju, Northwestern has Kain Colter
, a scramble-happy quarterback, and Iowa is recruiting defensive linemen (and running backs, for that matter) from intramural football teams around campus. The idea of this Iowa defense containing -- or even slowing down -- Colter should fill me with sheer terror. Oh, and Iowa (and Vandenberg in particular) was pretty much godawful on the road last year. And yet... it's August and my spirit hasn't yet been crushed by an inexplicable September loss or Yet Another Fucking Loss To Minnesota. I'm brimming with hope and optimism and telling myself that Greg Davis
will be the Vandenberg Whisperer, that Phil Parker will revitalize the Iowa defense, and that a fairy godmother will give us a respectable defensive line. So I'm going to say Vandenberg unleashes an aerial assault on Northwestern so staggering that we'll still be discussing the famed Evanston Blitzkrieg of '12 in hushed tones a decade from now. And I'm going to say that the defense will somehow, someway slow Colter and the rest of the NW offense enough for Iowa to emerge victorious. So yeah: GO IOWA AWESOME.