It's Thursday, and you know what that means! Oh, you don't? Oh. Ummm.... I do these dumb posts making fun of strong people for having names. It... it sounds pretty stupid when you make me talk about it, so let's stop talking about it.
Congratulations to Quinta Funderburke for taking last week's honors. He earns a two-night stay at a La Himself Inn of his choice. These week's honorable mentions go to Ladarius Banks, Fitz Lassing, Torren McGaster, Ja'Karri Thomas and Harding Harper, who, although not a WASP, highlights a team filled with spectacularly waspy names such as Colby Cooke, Barron Dixon, and Jesus I'm only at the D's can I stop okay. I can see an argument why a few of those guys should've gotten in, but I rule this damn place with an iron fist, so stick it.
Vote or die!
No. 40, Johnell Thomas, DE: A lot of college football twitterers have taken to calling Arkansas coach John L. Smith "Johnell". Well, this is the real life Johnell, although word is not out yet on whether or not he hails from Krypton.
Johnell plays defensive end, starting five games there last year and recording two sacks - now he's a full-time starter.
No. 15, Tip McKenzie, WR: I'm not sure why I really like this name. I think it's because he sounds too much like advertising dog Spuds McKenzie and his futuristic worm spinoff Slurm McKenzie, or at the very least an 1800's Irish boxing promoter.
Tip is an incoming WR recruit who hasn't yet played, which makes him seem likely to redshirt.
No. 21, Paris Head, DB: You really don't see the (CITY) (BODY PART) Mad Lib method to naming a lot of the time, but it somehow worked out well here. Other possibilities: Dallas Foote or half-Chinese country western artist Buffalo Chin. Although I suppose the Mad Lib that brought about Paris Head could have been (CHARACTER FROM THE ILIAD) (SLANG TERM FOR A THING I WILL NOT EXPLICITLY MENTION BECAUSE THIS IS A FAMILY SITE Y'ALL), for which possibilities pretty much begin and end at Agamemnon Blowjob. I guess writing blowjob sorta negates the family site thing, huh?
Paris is a freshman. Lotta freshmen here!
No. 56, Barrett Gouger, OL: Freud said that men have irrational fear of losing their eyes in accidents because it represents castration, I just say I never want to look up and see a 6-foot-4, 285-pound guy named "Gouger" staring me down, flexing his powerful thumbs and getting ready to, you know, go a-gougin'.
Barrett's a freshman offensive lineman from Soddy-Daisy, Tenn., which is a real place.
No. 37, Hunter Bowman, LB: We sometimes take "Hunter" for granted as a first name, and forget to take a step back and remember it means "guy who hunts stuff." We cannot do that when faced with Hunter Bowman. Alternate names: KILLER KNIFEGUY, SHOOTER GUNDUDE, and MURDERER AXEPERSON. When not playing football, Hunter chills with Ted Nugent and exerts his sheer dominance over nature.
Hunter is a linebacker who doesn't seem likely to play.